Divorce Bylaws Keep Families Together

Today we are going to be sharing an important document we have obtained, Edward Snowden-style, concerning the divorce bylaws of one of Marin’s most exclusive clubs. It is a stunningly grim example of the realpolitik that holds this residential paradise together. But pathos is not without its charms.

Editor’s note: In this new “Found Art” section, we’ll share things that you send us, or that we discover around the ‘Marinternet,’ There will be some light editorializing from us, but for the most part these items just need to be put on a pedestal and enjoyed.

[Found Art, Vol. 1]

One of Tiburon’s most impenetrable tennis & swim clubs, which manages to have a reported $32,000 initiation fee and a waiting list several years long, recently took the time to explain in unforgiving legalese what happens if married members get divorced. This document has been translated for clarity.

“Article III, Section 3.1, (a) (4) Divorce or Separation: In the event a married Member is legally separated or divorced, title to the membership shall vest in the Member or Spouse as determined in a court order or a written divorce settlement agreement signed by both Spouses.”

It’s tempting to “think of the kids” in this scenario, but children can often be shared; only one person can retain custody of this tennis club membership.

“Both of the divorced or legally separated persons shall be required to give written notice to the Club promptly after such divorce or legal separation, including a copy of the court order or settlement agreement.”

Do not be to distracted by your marriage falling apart to immediately notify us of the same. Nor should you assume that this part of your life can continue, even for a little while, as before.

“Not providing an immediate written notice about the divorce or separation may result in disciplinary action up to the termination of membership.”

We are not fucking kidding about this.

“Until such written notice is given to the Club, both Spouses shall remain responsible for all financial obligations to the Club associated with the membership.”

You might think that there could be some leeway in this department, given what you both are going through. Just a note from us to say that there definitely isn’t.

“The former Spouse may apply for membership and shall be placed on each next available fourth (4th) space of the waiting list (as an example, each such Spouse on the waitlist shall be offered the opportunity to apply for Membership after each next three (3) other applicants on the waitlist) and if accepted for membership shall pay the then-current Initiation Fee. While such Spouse is on the waitlist, they shall be permitted access to the Club under a separate interim status, provided they pay all applicable financial obligations including, but not limited to, dues, capital fees, minimums, etc.

We’ve made this all-important section intentionally confusing, but it’s really quite simple. The loser in this winner take-all scenario can in fact continue using the club as normal. They just have to “buy back in.”*

*At full retail.**

**Technically, yes: we do stand to pull in $32,000 from your divorce. Did you think this was a game, bitch?***

***If you really think about it, we are pro-family. We are incentivizing you to work things out. How bad is it — is it $32,000-bad?

“The Board in its discretion may suspend all Member use privileges or the non-Member Spouse use privileges if it determines that the Member and Spouse’s separation or pending divorce are creating disruption in the Club.”

Sorry to threaten you yet again, especially at this difficult time. But if you guys make it weird in here, our tribunal will not hesitate to break up with both of your asses.

Please send “Found Art” submissions to patrick@marinlately.com, and have an affluent weekend!