49ers Woes Continue as Macabre Accidents, Rare Disorders Begin to Pick Off Remaining Starters
Fans urged to stay away from stadium for own safety
In addition to their on-field casualties, the Niners just lost a fullback to a table-saw malfunction, two stars from the secondary in separate box jellyfish attacks and a left tackle to Bachmann-Bupp syndrome. “We knew this year was going to be a grind,” said coach Kyle Shanahan, clearly determined to project stability. “But even to have guys get permanently disfigured, diagnosed with genetic mutations – these are things we plan for.”
Quietly, some of his team members were less sanguine. “God is hunting us down one by one,” said Christian McCaffery, who analysts project to be the next victim of any celestial vendetta. Jauan Jennings put it differently. “This isn’t a season,” he said. “This is The Road by Cormac McCarthy. Tough to go out there and get the W when we are shrouded by implacable darkness.”
But as always, Shanahan has a plan. “Off the field, our players will be accompanied by armed security details and full medical staff at all times,” he explained. “Our options for preventing incidents during games are limited, but we are asking opposing teams not to tackle us.”
It all started when they moved Down There.