Anti-Trust Regulators Move to End PizzaHacker’s Chokehold on Local Families

Not giving parents a choice, says Justice Department

“They’ve got a great beer selection, good pizza, a convenient location and ample parking. That’s fine,” said anti-trust investigator Tory Lamagno. “But when you throw in, what, at least three dozen outdoor picnic tables, plus a pirate-ship play structure for the kids, that’s anti-competitive behavior.” 

Investigators say that parents of young children in Marin have had no choice but to patronize Pizzahacker since the establishment opened in 2019. Now, the Justice Department says the business’s ownership of that demographic amounts to a monopoly.

It would be the first time in history that the Justice Department has targeted a small business with anti-trust action. But authorities say it's one of the most egregious forms of market manipulation they've ever investigated, with blistering criticism coming from politicians at the highest level. Reached for comment, Senator Elizabeth Warren said, “Where else can new mothers and fathers day-drink by a fire pit, with full confidence that the staff will pretty much let their kids do whatever? It's time to stand up to the oligarchs behind this popular pizzeria slash beer garden."

Interestingly, calls to reign in the runaway success of the establishment came from the restaurant's own employees. “This isn’t something anyone should have a monopoly on,” said one server, as hordes of privileged children screamed in the background. “This place is completely out of control.”