Beloved Fentanyl Cartel Denied Vending License by S.F. Planning Department

Transnational chain runs afoul of city's “no formula retail” law

One of the most popular opioid suppliers in the local drug-trafficking scene just had its hopes crushed by a San Francisco bureaucrat who denied its request for a simple street-vending license. “There is no path forward for this operator,” said Ezra Borman, one of the planning department’s most feared adjutants. “Not only are there numerous Siete Serpientes retail locations globally, but their application signaled no intention to bring a bespoke experience to San Francisco.”

The cartel’s kingpins have appealed the decision to no avail, and are calling for reform of the city’s “dogmatic” approval process. “There is nothing ‘cookie-cutter’ about our business model,” they said in a statement. “Our products are still made by hand from the highest quality precursors, and each of our purveyors is a mom-and-pop business enmeshed in the local community.”