Wedding On After AI Guy Finds Right Prompt for Hesitant Girlfriend

Tate Bristol is getting hitched this fall after using an army of artificial intelligence agents to compile a dossier on his previously on-the-fence fiancé. “After identifying psychological weaknesses, I was able to ‘pop the question’ in a way that overwhelmed her decision-making abilities,” said the Belvedere resident. His wife-to-be agrees. “It was an immediate and enthusiastic yes once he gave me no choice but to comply.”

Only Summer Camp With Openings Left Called “Introduction to Crossbows”

There are over 1000 people on the waitlist for the camp where children knit potholders out of sock scraps, and slots for the one where they rehabilitate abused llamas are long gone. But parents say limited bookings are available at the camp that offers kids hands-on experience with the weapon that changed medieval warfare forever. “It actually looks like a great program,” said one dad. “They guarantee proficiency by week two and the mead is included.”

Marin Lately Readers Take Over Storied Mill Valley Venue in Concerning Show of Force

Everyone who packed Sweetwater to the brink of fire department intervention on Thursday is being issued heartfelt thanks on behalf of the entire Marin Lately organization. Knowing as we all do now that gratefulness is toxic to conversation, we will leave it at that, but please reply to this email directly if would like to leave a brief and hopefully scathing review of the experience.