Weekend Spotlight
As always, one thing to worry about, maybe one thing to do, or another thing to read and go, “WHAT!?”
Mill Valley Equator Unable to Absorb Seniors Displaced by Peet’s Coffee Closure
An experimental program that many hoped would assimilate loyalists of the shuttered coffee shop has been called off. “Peet’s customers have not been able to acclimate to the Equator environment,” said a spokesperson for the younger brand, adding their baristas have had trouble accommodating retirees’ requests for a “regular” coffee or a place to sit down for a few hours. “That’s not what we do here,” she added.
Man Who Guaranteed “Permanent Bamboo Removal” Convicted of Fraud
Landscaper Hester Kleon will begin serving a three-year sentence this morning after a jury found that he had been offering homeowners bamboo solutions that simply do not exist. “We’re proud to have put this crook, who said he could ‘do it in two days,’ behind bars,” said Marin’s sheriff. “We’re also asking the public to beware of anyone who says they can fully eradicate Bermuda grass.”
Marin Newcomer Wins Over Community with Social Media Posts Chastising Neighbors
“To the person who…” his missives began, in the blind-item style that is the lingua franca of small-town social media snitching.
“...was wearing non-reflective clothing in the bike lane at dusk last night”
“...thought it was a good idea to roll their loud garbage bins out at 9:13pm”
“...is ordering curiously large quantities of packages from a certain ‘online retailer’”
Though perhaps bold for a new resident, the chiding spree has been welcomed with open arms by the people of Greenbrae. “He’s one of us!” Said Deb Glenkill. “It’s so great to see someone jump right in and start publicly policing behavior.”
Here’s a helpful form if you’d like to get started complaining on NextDoor but can’t find the right words:
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To the (adjective) man who accosted me while I was walking with my (noun) today around (time of day):
I cannot believe the audacity you had to approach me in such a (adjective) manner. I was simply (gerund, activity) with my (concrete noun, singular or plural) when you (transitive verb, past tense) me with your (adjective) tone and (adjective) words. It was so (adjective) that I felt (adjective) about the whole situation.
I am (adverb) outraged by your behavior and I demand an (adjective) apology! This kind of (adjective) behavior is unacceptable in our (adjective) community and I expect better from my neighbors. If this kind of thing happens again, I will not hesitate to (verb) the proper authorities. I deserve to feel (adjective) in my own neighborhood!!!
So funny. As a rising senior though, must say we do not sit for hours but move briskly among the tech heads who don’t actually have tables at home